zelda kratchanova 2

joke thread

334 posts in this topic

On Friday, 8 January 2016 at 5:47 PM, Peter Jenkins said:

 

 

On Friday, 8 January 2016 at 5:47 PM, Peter Jenkins said:





This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."


So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in colour, unemployed, lazy,
Can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddies are.
They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.



So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get
their first cheque s on Friday.

Damn, this is a great country!

 

 

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.docx

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While stitching the hand of a 75 year old farmer whose hand was caught in a squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually, the topic got around to Donald Trump.

The old farmer said "Well, the way I look at it, a guy like him is a "post turtle"..."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was..

The old farmer said "When you're driving down a country road, and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle...". Seeing the puzzled look on the doctors face, he continued to explain...

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there,  he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with...."

The best explanation of Donald Trump I have ever heard.   ;)

 

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On ‎5‎/‎20‎/‎2017 at 3:22 PM, Ohokaman said:

While stitching the hand of a 75 year old farmer whose hand was caught in a squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually, the topic got around to Donald Trump.

The old farmer said "Well, the way I look at it, a guy like him is a "post turtle"..."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was..

The old farmer said "When you're driving down a country road, and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle...". Seeing the puzzled look on the doctors face, he continued to explain...

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there,  he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with...."

The best explanation of Donald Trump I have ever heard.   ;)

 

Should've posted this on the Trump thread for our Acid Rain Crew, Ohoka

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A psychic went into a mans wear shop to buy a new shirt

the salesperson sayed this one suits you it's lovely n0?

the psychic sayed yes it's nice but it won't fit

the salesperson sayed you haven't even tried it on how do you know.?

the psychic sayed " because I am a medium ", n0?

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Muslim Tribute Band 

 

I went to see a Muslim Tribute Band last night at a Mosque in West Sydney.

They were called "Bomb Jovi".

I thought they were brilliant.

Songs like "Losing My Head Over You", "Rocket Launcher Man", "You're Six, You're Beautiful and You're Mine".

Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.

I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"

Well that was when the trouble started . . .

........ those buggers have no sense of humour !

:ph34r::lol:

 

 

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Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Image may contain: 1 person, sitting
 
 

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Whoa!! This has to be reined in.

In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in
their home cooked burgers.
Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are “small
amounts” of horse meat in their burgers.

Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK.

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers'  contained
30% horse meat, these quips hit the internet …

“I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco has listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Just say “Yay or neigh?”

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
So I had £5 each way!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ...
I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco.
Her condition is said to be stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF"

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers,
as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots....

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....

A cow walks into a bar.
Barman says, "Why the long face?"
Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....
Talk about flogging a dead horse!

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. 

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
   

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am? 
'About 32,' is the reply.  

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

 
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl  
the very same question.
 

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
   

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old Navy Chief waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 68 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you exactly how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

 He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and gently.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he carefully pinches each nipple very carefully.  

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. 
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.... How old am I?'  

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, gently removes his hands and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible,  how could you tell?'
The old Chief says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'  

'I promise I won't,' she says.

 

'I was behind you at McDonalds.' 

 

 

 
   

 

 
   

 

 
   

 

 
   
 
   

 

 
   

 

 
   
 
   

 

 
   

 

 
   
 
   

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Paternity explanations - from Child Support forms 
These comments (allegedly) were provided by mothers on Child Support forms in response to request for details of children's fathers. 
Aside from being variously amusing and sad, some illustrate the admirable spirit and humour that people exhibit in the face of personal challenge, institutional bureaucracy and what some clearly regard as an invasion of privacy.
"..I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact the BMW dealers in the area to see if he's had it replaced.."
"..I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was taken unexpectedly from behind while being sick out of an upper-storey window. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this might help.."
"..He gave me a phone number which turned out to be one of his mates who said he'd been killed in a concrete mixer accident. He was a builder and a bit stupid so I thought yes that sounds about right.."
"..I have never had sex with a man. I am waiting for a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate, and that he is Christ risen again.."
"..[XXX] is the father of child A. If you catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's?.."
"..I thought it was [XXX] because we definitely had sex at a time which fits with the birth of child A, but since discovering he is gay I am not so sure.."
"..I do not know the name of my daughter's father. She was conceived at a party on [date] at [venue] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good I fainted. If you manage to trace the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.."
"..I remember buying the sperm at a garage sale last spring but I never kept the receipt I'm afraid.." 
"..I cannot tell you the name of child A's father as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover, and that this would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.."

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A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered 
that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a 
hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her 
lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a 
hair lip.

 

 

4  gay guys walk into a bar.
There is only 1 4 legged stool left, how do they sit???

They turn it upsidedown.

 

 

Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts? 

    He got 16 months.

 

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 This is brilliant !!!!!!! ********* 
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. 

On your left side is a 'drop off' , (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you .....

In front of you is a galloping horse , which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it ... 

Behind you is a galloping zebra . Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you ... 

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ?
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star. 
*Get off the merry-go-round, you're pissed.* 
 
 

 
 

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