hedley

..th'Laughing~Lounge., yours to Add to.."hehehee"

194 posts in this topic

A completely unrelated couple arrive at the old peoples home on the same day to move in and live,and immediately take a shine to each other. After many days of innuendo Fred finally puts the hard word on Ethel to find a vacant undetected room and have a naughty. They find the right moment and are alone finally. After taking off all their clothes Ethel discloses that she has acute angina. Fred looking at her sais "I bloody hope so,those tits are nothing to write home about".

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Subject: What Confucious Did Not Say

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

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Golf and Whisky...

An 80-year old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor was amazed at the great shape the old fellow was in and asked.

'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scots and I’m a golfer,' said the old fellow, 'and that’s why I’m in such good shape.

I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a wee nip of whiskey on each hole, and that’s it.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I’m sure that helps, but there has to be more to it.

How old was your dad when he died?'

'Who said my dad died?'

The doctor was amazed.

'You mean you are 80 years old and your dad’s still alive. How old is he?'

'He’s a 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi’ me this mornin’,

and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and another wee dram, and that’s why he’s still alive.

He’s a Scot and a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that’s great, but I am sure there’s more to it than that. How about your dad’s dad?

How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandad is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living!

Incredible, how old is he?'

'He turned 118 last month,' said the old Scot.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:

'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad could’nae go this mornin’ because he’s getting married today.'

At this point the doctor was close to losing it.

'Getting married?! Why would a 118-year old bloke want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

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A loving Wife

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and

ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of

her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom. While

he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this

guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a

lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he

kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do

what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates

you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll

kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my

ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had

any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I

love you too.'

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Subject: Virgin Airlines

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,

"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.."

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Shamus and Liam are in the pub and want a drink but can only scrape up a solitary Euro between them. Liam sais what do we do with that? but Shamus has an idea and scoots next door to the Butchers and comes back with a large sausage.

How the feck do you buy a drink with that crys Liam,but Shamus has an idea. They order 2pints and two whiskeys and scoff them down and then Shamus tells Liam he will put the sausage in his zipper and Liam will get down on his knees and take it in his mouth. They do this and the bartender sees them calling them whatfor and chucking them out of the pub before they have payed.

They continue this at different pubs for a while till Liam confesses to Shamus he is very drunk and his knees are killing him.

How do you think I feel sais Shamus,I cant even remember what Pub I lost the sausage in.

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B&Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny....

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NAME:

Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:

Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITON:

Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:

£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:

Yes.

LAST POSITON HELD:

Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:

A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:

My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:

It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:

Any.

PRFFERRPD HOURS:

1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:

Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:

If I had one, would I be here'?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:

Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:

I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:

I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:

On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:

7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:

Oh yes. absolutely.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . .. . .....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bognor babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

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As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,

"Good morning and welcome to B & Q."

I then said,

"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

"No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

***Old People Rock!***

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Little Johnny's Breakfast - - - - -

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A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had bugger all!

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off

Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks,

'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got Bugger all for breakfast'.

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Top Ten Country Western Songs

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10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

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..Cynical, but 'too true']

The Haircut...

.~Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without

forgetting~.

..One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he

asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money

from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a

'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill

, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing

community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank

you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to

pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from

you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament

was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen

Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between

the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

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Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6 )

2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't

have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily

Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.

(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and

pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross

the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would

whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been

better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean.. I like mermaids. They are beautiful

and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get

pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always

crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got

pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can

give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I

think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes

my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers

can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky,

age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was

going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired

right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown

I don't know.. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.

What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.

(James, age 7)

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