Ashes farce

[THE KING 0]

Maybe if you were watching at the time you'd have more sound reasoning. It was silly. Everybody knows it. Apart from you. You are silly. It's a veritable pattercake circus in Taylorville

It was silly and everyone knows it apart from prop and I...you're not too good with the comprehension are you tumeke.

Most people love to be hindsight experts. I meet them all the time and they make me sick! This situation is no different. The world is full of them and that's why I will (usually) go in the opposite direction.

I'll repeat it once again...actually I won't. You're never going to get it because you can't think laterally.

Oh...anytime you want to fill us in with the lofty heights you scaled in 'your day' then feel free.

[THE KING 0]

What if there was half an hour to go in the days play? On the fifth day? Ashes decider? One wicket needed? There's a hint of rain. Billy Bowden gets a word in his ear "bit 'o rain on the way" and calls it: "Sorry chaps. Gotta go, there's a perceived threatening circumstance on the way".

Wouldn't happen. And neither should it on day one. As all cricketing scribes agree. You pillocks (for completeness)

But I'm not going to let you get away with this clanger tumeke like the slippery eel that you are (I bet that's what you caught today isn't it!!...as I've heard 'you people' quite like your smoked eels).

Can you please announce to the world, that you have no understanding or feel for the game of cricket, as evidenced by this post.

Thank you.

[THE KING 0]

Maybe if you were watching at the time you'd have more sound reasoning.

What? You mean like you were watching CJ De Fillippi's drive on Miss Elsie?

Ho ho how hypocritical of you tumeke!

[bblunt 334]

What? You mean like you were watching CJ De Fillippi's drive on Miss Elsie?

Ho ho how hypocritical of you tumeke!

I asked a question in that thread. Whereas you just can't help but make a clown of yourself. Not a bad approach though to use prop as an ally as he, mostly]3.5.1 The safety of all persons within the ground is of paramount

importance to the ICC . In the event that any threatening

circumstance,

This rule refers to safety, not the pitch. Although there are ten of you out there in Taylorinsanityville, you can't have ten arguments on the go at once.

My point has not wavered once: the use of a new rule incorrectly by umpires which lends itself towards a farcical outcome. You on the other hand have come across like a local on the stagger home from the Corner bar in Kilbirnie. Keep your sunnies on bro or you might be blinded by the light:cool:

[THE KING 0]

What if there was half an hour to go in the days play? On the fifth day? Ashes decider? One wicket needed? There's a hint of rain. Billy Bowden gets a word in his ear "bit 'o rain on the way" and calls it: "Sorry chaps. Gotta go, there's a perceived threatening circumstance on the way".

Wouldn't happen. And neither should it on day one. As all cricketing scribes agree. You pillocks (for completeness)

I know its hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen, but can you PLEASE admit that you have no clue whatsoever with your understanding of the situation you described above.

Now try to answer it this time timmy, and don't try and eel your way out of it.

[THE KING 0]

What? You mean like you were watching CJ De Fillippi's drive on Miss Elsie?

Ho ho how hypocritical of you tumeke!

And what about this one while you're at it.

Geez your mistakes are hard to keep up with timmy...lucky there's 10 of me ay bro.:cool:

[zak 0]

Chris, Phil Benfield was far better known for his ability on the hockey field.

Back to the Ashes you have to know the Ockers are in trouble when their media and public are drooling over some bloke who scored 37 on debut batting at No 3. Wow he must be good.

Wasnt there an NZer almost 4 years younger than this so called Aussie superstar who scored 131 on debut v India in India a few weeks ago. He must be really good.

[THE KING 0]

Chris, Phil Benfield was far better known for his ability on the hockey field.

Back to the Ashes you have to know the Ockers are in trouble when their media and public are drooling over some bloke who scored 37 on debut batting at No 3. Wow he must be good.

Wasnt there an NZer almost 4 years younger than this so called Aussie superstar who scored 131 on debut v India in India a few weeks ago. He must be really good.

Phil was a talent, no doubt about that.

As for the Aussies, and I'm talking about the Aussie public here, I can't help but think that they're all being nice and polite towards the muslim; that they're showing that they're not really the racist a.holes we all know they are; but give the guy a few tests under his belt and God (or is that Allah?) help him if he gets found out and doesn't succeed because that will reveal the ugly side of the average Australian citizen.

[THE KING 0]

We all know why they went off the field. It's the when which is under scrutiny.

This is your argument, and it has two components to it.

The 1st is where you accept the reasons why they went from the field, as that was that heavy rain was imminent; not a bit'o'rain...or a few drops, as you immorally tried to assert last night, but heavy rain! Despite your twisting of the facts, you accept why they went off so that leaves the second component to deal with.

That is where you question whether the decision would have been different if it had been at a later stage of the game, i.e. on the final day with half an hour to go. Well I've already shown you that yes, it would have been different due to the fact that at that stage of the game, there would have been no need to protect the wicket for any future days; hence, they would have played on.

So that's your argument done and dusted bro, and you've lost unfortunately.

Kia kaha timmy tumeke.

[THE KING 0]

...I know you like these stories, and I know you admired McSweeney, so I'll tell you my favourite one concerning Erv, told to myself and teammates by Tim Ritchie one day during a rain delay.

The Windies toured here in 86/87. They played a 'Shell XI' in Napier. Erv, Evan Gray, and Tim were all part of the team. The Windies batted first and amassed a huge total, with the great 'I.V.A. Richards' remaining not out when they declared.

Now at the time, Richards was sponsored by Slazenger, having recently changed over after using Duncan Fearnley bats for years. You may recall that his slazenger bat of choice was called the V500. But the rumour doing the rounds was that Richards was still using DF bats, but with the Slazenger stickers on them (i.e. he was removing the stickers from the Slazenger onto the DF).

Anyway, the Windies players had a bit of respect for Erv due to his batting abilities in a previous tour match (and he also subsequently scored a ton in this game as well), and so they were quite chatty with him, but not Richards.

Erv spent quite a bit of time standing up to the stumps for the slower bowlers, and got to watch the majestic strokeplay of I.V.A up close.He described some of the shots he played as just unbelievable, but Erv being the competitor he was, he largely kept his admiration to himself. One shot however was too much and he let out a, "oh great shot!". Erv quickly put his glove over his mouth realising what he'd said. Richards head spun around at the same time and said, in his deep Antiguan accent, "ahhh...you like dat one, McSweeney!" That was a bit of an ice-breaker apparently and so the chat continued.

Later in his innings, Richards attempted to sweep a ball off Gray that was a mile outside off-stump and it ballooned skyward towards square-leg. Erv thought 'finally we've got the bugger'. He watched the ball sail way over square-leg and land just short of the boundary before trickling into the fence.

Erv said to Richards, "I thought we had you there as you didn't seem to get much on that". Richards replied, "ahh McSweeney, you see, dat is da beauty of da Duncan!"

Sitting in the changing shed that day listening to the yarn was another young guy who was at Varsity, and was flatting with a few others.

During the week, after talking to his flatmates, he went to a bank and set up an emergency cheque account for the flat. As I said, it was only to be used in the case of extreme emergency.

The name of the account as it appeared on the cheques?...."The Duncan Account".....and everytime the flatmates had to resort to writing a cheque from the 'Duncan Account' they had to repeat the mantra...."dat is da beauty of da Duncan!":D

[tasman man 742]

......good tales from the "Back in my Day" files.

Funny how Gastro was envious of the "rubbing shoulders" stories , I think parasitic was the word he used.

Looks like the pounding you have given him have changed the boy , and we and his primmer students can look forward to a more positive version in 2011 !!!

[THE TORCH 669]

...I know you like these stories, and I know you admired McSweeney, so I'll tell you my favourite one concerning Erv, told to myself and teammates by Tim Ritchie one day during a rain delay.

The Windies toured here in 86/87. They played a 'Shell XI' in Napier. Erv, Evan Gray, and Tim were all part of the team. The Windies batted first and amassed a huge total, with the great 'I.V.A. Richards' remaining not out when they declared.

Now at the time, Richards was sponsored by Slazenger, having recently changed over after using Duncan Fearnley bats for years. You may recall that his slazenger bat of choice was called the V500. But the rumour doing the rounds was that Richards was still using DF bats, but with the Slazenger stickers on them (i.e. he was removing the stickers from the Slazenger onto the DF).

Anyway, the Windies players had a bit of respect for Erv due to his batting abilities in a previous tour match (and he also subsequently scored a ton in this game as well), and so they were quite chatty with him, but not Richards.

Erv spent quite a bit of time standing up to the stumps for the slower bowlers, and got to watch the majestic strokeplay of I.V.A up close.He described some of the shots he played as just unbelievable, but Erv being the competitor he was, he largely kept his admiration to himself. One shot however was too much and he let out a, "oh great shot!". Erv quickly put his glove over his mouth realising what he'd said. Richards head spun around at the same time and said, in his deep Antiguan accent, "ahhh...you like dat one, McSweeney!" That was a bit of an ice-breaker apparently and so the chat continued.

Later in his innings, Richards attempted to sweep a ball off Gray that was a mile outside off-stump and it ballooned skyward towards square-leg. Erv thought 'finally we've got the bugger'. He watched the ball sail way over square-leg and land just short of the boundary before trickling into the fence.

Erv said to Richards, "I thought we had you there as you didn't seem to get much on that". Richards replied, "ahh McSweeney, you see, dat is da beauty of da Duncan!"

Sitting in the changing shed that day listening to the yarn was another young guy who was at Varsity, and was flatting with a few others.

During the week, after talking to his flatmates, he went to a bank and set up an emergency cheque account for the flat. As I said, it was only to be used in the case of extreme emergency.

The name of the account as it appeared on the cheques?...."The Duncan Account".....and everytime the flatmates had to resort to writing a cheque from the 'Duncan Account' they had to repeat the mantra...."dat is da beauty of da Duncan!":D

Brilliant. Could listen to those types of stories all day, especially from proven performers like Erv and Co. 24 hours locked in a bar should do it!

[THE TORCH 669]

......good tales from the "Back in my Day" files.

Funny how Gastro was envious of the "rubbing shoulders" stories , I think parasitic was the word he used.

Looks like the pounding you have given him have changed the boy , and we and his primmer students can look forward to a more positive version in 2011 !!!

Like I said Tasman I love listening to stories of REAL worth about WORTHY players. Not how someone once stood on the same crack in the pavement as someone famous. Feel free to keep them coming TK.

[THE KING 0]

Brilliant. Could listen to those types of stories all day, especially from proven performers like Erv and Co. 24 hours locked in a bar should do it!

At club level, Evan Gray ALWAYS batted at 4. It was one of those things that was just accepted. When Erv was reading out the batting order, he didn't even need to mention who was batting four as there was no need.

One particular game we had a young guy who had been promoted from the reserves who had been scoring a few runs. We're about to go out to bat and Erv runs through the order. "So and so will open, Tim - you bat 3, young fella - you go in at 4, Evan - 5, I'll bat 6 and we'll deal with the rest later."

Well you should have seen Evan's face! There was suddenly a deathly silence in the changing shed and you could see the young chap didn't feel too good about it either, but the captain had made his call and that was that. Anyway, Evan grabbed his batting gear and stormed off without saying a word.

We're all sitting down watching the innings progress...our openers are out there, with Tim and the young fella padded up and ready to go in when needed. No sign of Evan though.

We lose a wicket. Tim goes in. The young lad's big moment is getting nearer...still no sign of Evan.

We lose another wicket. Erv yells out something like, "for farks sake, can someone go and find EJ!!" As the young lad was getting out of his chair and about to head out he turns to Erv and says, "I think we've found him skipper". Erv replies, "where is he?". Someone else replied (with tears of laughter coming down his cheeks), "well he just appeared behind that big bush down by the boundary and he's heading out to the middle as we speak...at number 4!!!"

[Mardy 475]

Gee after reading that last story that The King produced.It brought back memories of me using a DF when playing cricket as a pre teen.Absolutely loved using that bat...and to me it felt like their was meat all thru it..i didn't need to put much on it when hitting the ball.Tho for me,a low point was when one year when i was playing age grp cricket against a team that had a young Craig McMillan included in it..i ended up by breaking the bat..so i had to use another bat..can't remember what kind of bat it was,but definitely wasn't a DF...and needless to say,i didn't last long..that bat didn't have the meat of a DF..that's for sure.

[Properispomenon 1]

"well he just appeared behind that big bush down by the boundary and he's heading out to the middle as we speak...at number 4!!!"

Heh heh...

Why is it that Cricket is full of such stories ... eminently readable in things like autobiographies ... when books by ex-players in other sports (yes, Rugby, I am thinking of you) are usually dull-as-dishwater material?

What stellar ( ) achievements did that captain go on to, King?

[THE KING 0]

What stellar ( ) achievements did that captain go on to, King?

Are you talking about McSweeney Prop?

[THE TORCH 669]

At club level, Evan Gray ALWAYS batted at 4. It was one of those things that was just accepted. When Erv was reading out the batting order, he didn't even need to mention who was batting four as there was no need.

One particular game we had a young guy who had been promoted from the reserves who had been scoring a few runs. We're about to go out to bat and Erv runs through the order. "So and so will open, Tim - you bat 3, young fella - you go in at 4, Evan - 5, I'll bat 6 and we'll deal with the rest later."

Well you should have seen Evan's face! There was suddenly a deathly silence in the changing shed and you could see the young chap didn't feel too good about it either, but the captain had made his call and that was that. Anyway, Evan grabbed his batting gear and stormed off without saying a word.

We're all sitting down watching the innings progress...our openers are out there, with Tim and the young fella padded up and ready to go in when needed. No sign of Evan though.

We lose a wicket. Tim goes in. The young lad's big moment is getting nearer...still no sign of Evan.

We lose another wicket. Erv yells out something like, "for farks sake, can someone go and find EJ!!" As the young lad was getting out of his chair and about to head out he turns to Erv and says, "I think we've found him skipper". Erv replies, "where is he?". Someone else replied (with tears of laughter coming down his cheeks), "well he just appeared behind that big bush down by the boundary and he's heading out to the middle as we speak...at number 4!!!"

Brilliant.

I used to really rate Grays action. What were his strengths as a bowler and some of his notorious moments while bowling?

[Properispomenon 1]

Are you talking about McSweeney Prop?

Oops, dumb moi, eh?

My eyes glossed over the giveaway 'When Erv was reading out the batting order'!

Prop exits, stage left, face red...

What can I blame?

Oooh, I know: the global recession.

Everyone else is using that as an excuse for their shortcomings, right?

[THE KING 0]

Why is it that Cricket is full of such stories ... eminently readable in things like autobiographies ... when books by ex-players in other sports (yes, Rugby, I am thinking of you) are usually dull-as-dishwater material?

Cricket is, as they say, a funny game and it attracts all sorts of individuals.

I can tell you from experience, and anyone who has played will agree, that sometimes spending such a lengthy amount of time with some players is a delight, while with others it's real test of one's patience.

One chap who springs to mind, and who will remain nameless, was a guy I captained in my last year at Karori in the Snr Reserves.

This bloke was easily the quickest bowler in the club, and was (in my opinion) second only in speed to Heath Davis amongst club players.

But he was as thick as pig-$hit and a right pain in the arse to boot. Every time he beat the bat he had to sledge the batsman. These sledges were never original; they were regurgitations of sledges that he'd read about or heard other players use, and he ALWAYS got his words muddled up.

For example, one day I was bowling and he was at fine leg. I beat the bat. He yells out from fine leg, "bowl him a piano CT and see if he can hit that!" (as those of you who are aware of that line, it's meant to read..."and see if he can PLAY that").

As I said, he was braindead. I would often position myself at mid-off when 'Mensa' was bowling, and would instruct him where to bowl EVERY ball, as he was good at following instructions. One particular day against Johnsonville, 'Mensa' took 9 wickets in an innings through bowling very fast, and very straight.

Sadly for us, whenever he got promoted to the seniors he was usually back down with us within a couple of weeks as no-one took the time to tell him where to bowl each delivery...so we had to put up with him again.

The one aspect about cricket that I didn't like is that no other sport produces the type of 'cliques' that cricket does, and again, that's down to the amount of time that you have to spend together as a team.

[THE KING 0]

Oops, dumb moi, eh?

My eyes glossed over the giveaway 'When Erv was reading out the batting order'!

Prop exits, stage left, face red...

What can I blame?

Oooh, I know: the global recession.

Everyone else is using that as an excuse for their shortcomings, right?

...and didn't you have some land stolen off you from the white man about 175 yrs ago?

[Properispomenon 1]

Sh*t, I knew there was a reason I am such a bitter fellow, King, never employed, always in jail, addicted to P, wonderful breeder of kids who all seem to suffer horrific head injuries before they get to school-age...

Stop there, Prop, you're beginning to sound - aaaargh! - like Michael Laws!

[THE KING 0]

Brilliant.

I used to really rate Grays action. What were his strengths as a bowler and some of his notorious moments while bowling?

He was unplayable mostly at club level in his prime. I wouldn't say he was the biggest turner of the ball (ala J.Bracewell), but his line and length were impeccable and he used to turn it enough to trouble most club players.

As for notorious bowling moments, the one that springs to mind is a story retold by D.Stirling.

Wgtn were playing Otago at Alexandra Park(?). Now I've never been there but I believe it has a bank running right around the ground and noises tend to echo and reverberate somewhat.

In the Wgtn team that day, making his debut, was a guy named Dave Moloney. A tall, right-arm, medium-fast outswing bowler from the Wgtn Collegians Club.

Evan Gray was bowling. Stirling was on the mid-wicket boundary, and Maloney was on the square-leg boundary. At the crease were the Blair brothers, and they were smashing Evan to all parts of the ground (as they used to do to a lot of bowlers back in their day).

Anyway, Evan had figures of about none for a million, and was just about at boiling point. Finally he lured one of the Blairs into a false shot and the ball went a thousand miles into the air out towards the mid-wicket/square-leg boundary.

Now Stirling reckons it was more his ball than Maloneys, but he wasn't too keen on going for it as he knew what Evan's reaction would be if he dropped it. So he called out to Maloney, "Yours!!"

Maloney positions himself...the balls still going up...he repositions himself and starts to run around in circles somewhat...it's not looking good...the ball begins its descent and flames can be seen coming out from the back of the ball...collectively, the rest of the players put their hands over their eyes, apart from Evan who is already jumping for joy at the thought of taking a wicket...the ball comes down, Dave has his fingers pointed skyward, the ball misses Dave's fingers altogether and thuds into his chest before hitting the ground.

Stirling offers a "hard luck Dave".

Everyone's attention then turned to the middle where Evan had turned himself into a ball; he was bent over, hands over his head, you could almost hear a pin drop when suddenly, Evan exploded.

"WHO PICKED THE SPASTIC!!!!!"

This noise, as I said, bounced around the ground so not only did Dave hear it once, but he heard it a thousand times!

A very competitive man and a hard taskmaster was Evan Gray.

[THE KING 0]

That should read Molyneux Park in Alexandra...(thanks for the text Henry...or Rosemary...whoever it was:D)

[THE KING 0]

That should read Molyneux Park in Alexandra...(thanks for the text Henry...or Rosemary...whoever it was:D)

No problems Mr Denuto.