zelda kratchanova 2

joke thread

334 posts in this topic

 Barry, the Kiwibuilder, was going through a house he had just built,
with the woman who owned it.
She was telling him what colours to paint each room. They went into the
first room and she said, "This room to be a light blue."
The builder went to the front door and yelled out "Green side up!" As he
went back she said the next room was to be red.
The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up!"
Once back with her, she said "This one to be tan."
And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up!"
The lady, very curious, said "I keep telling you different colours but,
you always yell "Green side up",
"What do you say that for?"
"Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder, "I've got a couple
of Aussies laying turf out front."


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I rang weight watchers last week after noticing I'd put on a lot of weight. I asked them to send somebody round. They said.no problem we have plenty of those.

I went round to see my nana last weekend. I asked her. What have you been up to? She said weedin the garden. I said oh well at least you didn't shit in it.


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two blondes walk into a bank......you'd think one of them would have seen it!.


i see on trade-me the pomes are selling their bus as they wont need it again its brand new, only been used twice, lol

Edited by fisheys

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Riding the favourite at Riccarton, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as
he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run, he was struck on the
head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to
complain that he had been seriously hampered.   

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I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.   

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. 

 I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.   

 I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

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Driving home from the track yesterday, I had to pull off to the side of the road so an ambulance could pass.

Just as it passed its rear door popped open and a chilly bin fell out.

The ambulance continued on like nothing had happened & curiosity got the best of me.

I hopped out of my car & opened the chilly bin. Inside it was full of ice and a plastic bag with someone's big toe in it.

Unsure what to do I rang 111 on my mobile. A woman asked what was the source of my emergency.

I said that I needed a big tow truck here quick.

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#Archie walks into the classroom for his 1st day of school...the teacher says right class, get out all your pens and pencils...

Archie said I havn,t got any fuckin pens or pencils...she sends him to face the corner.

She said ok class my names Mrs Revolver...you put the 1st syllable with the 2nd syllable and the 2nd syllable with the third.

You,ve got ya R.e, ya got ya Re..ya got ya v.o.l, ya got ya vol, ya got ya Revol, ya got ya v.e.r, ya got ya ver, ya got ya Revolver...

She walked over and poked Archie and said whats your name lad?...Archibald maam, she said "right lets hear it then".

Archibald Arsholtorn...Ya got ya A.r.c.h, ya got ya Arch, ya got ya I, ya got ya Archi , ya got ya b.a.l.d, ya got ya bald, ya got ya ibald

ya got ya archibald, ya got ya A.r.s.e, ya got ya Arse,ya got ya bald Arse,ya got ya i bald, ya got ya Archibald  Arse, ya got ya h.o.l

ya got ya hol, ya got ya Arsehol,ya got ya bald Arsehol,ya got ya ibalb Arsehol, ya got ya Archibald Arsehol, ya got ya t.o.r.n,ya got

ya torn,ya got ya holtorn,ya got ya Arseholtorn, ya got ya bald Arseholtorn, Ya got ya ARCHIBALD ARSEHOLTORN Maam!        



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The first time my misses ever saw me naked she started laughing and pointing at me.

I asked "What are you laughing about"?

She said "You"

I asked "What about me"?

She said "That"

I asked "What about that"?

She replied "You are you going to please with that"?

I said "Me" :D

Edited by Yankiwi

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We were having some family financial problems so the wife & I discussed how we were going to sort it out.

We decided that we couldn't spend any money on ourselves, only the necessities.

She told me I couldn't by beer anymore...... I reluctantly agreed.

One week past & she had returned home from her grocery shopping trip to Countdown.

Inside one of the 7 large plastic bag was a smaller plastic bag with things like lipstick & eyeliner.

I asked her how it was ok for her to buy those things for herself.

She said that she just wanted to look really nice for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for. B)

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boris says

little johnnys dad caught hm in the gardens pulling wings off butterflys and said thats disgracefull no butter for you for a month, next day he caughts little johnny squashing honey bees on the flowers and said never again do these things, no honey for you for a month. next day at breakfasts little johnnies mum was cooking bacons and egg when a big cockroach run out from under the sink and she stepped on it hard and squashed it

little johnny says   do you want to tell her dad or will i :huh:


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