zelda kratchanova 2

joke thread

334 posts in this topic

 

The difference if you marry a Scottish girl.....

 

 Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl.

He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.....

The second man married a Thai girl.

He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean,

the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.....

The third man married a girl from Scotland .

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

:D

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there was a thread about 2 people posting as midget - can't find it so post here...

 

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on." The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bloody bed" 
 

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A Father's Last Request

 

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

 

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 Dear Agony Aunt,

 My husband is a liar and a cheat.. He has cheated on me from the

 beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything.

 

 What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating.

 Also, since he lost his job 15 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a

 new one.

 

 All he does all day is smoke cigars, play golf, cruise around and

 shoot ball with his buddies and has sex with hookers, while I work so

 hard to pay our bills.

 Since our daughter went away to college and then got married he

 doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.

 

 What should I do?

 

 Signed:

 Confused

 

 

 

 

 

 Dear Confused:

 

 Grow up and dump him.

 You don't need him anymore!

 Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!

 

 

 

 

 

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 Dear Agony Aunt,

 My husband is a liar and a cheat.. He has cheated on me from the

 beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything.

 

 What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating.

 Also, since he lost his job 15 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a

 new one.

 

 All he does all day is smoke cigars, play golf, cruise around and

 shoot ball with his buddies and has sex with hookers, while I work so

 hard to pay our bills.

 Since our daughter went away to college and then got married he

 doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.

 

 What should I do?

 

 Signed:

 Confused

 

 

 

 

 

 Dear Confused:

 

 Grow up and dump him.

 You don't need him anymore!

 Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!

 

 

 

 

 

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'A young Wellington woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could

throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

 "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to California tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll

take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to California, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he

Would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love To her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to California."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

 

 "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Picton Ferry."


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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An older woman walks into a doctors office and asks the doctor if
she could get a sample of viagra but she doesn't want her husband to
know about it. The doctor then tells her to slip it into his coffee
and come back in a week and tell him how it goes. The old woman
comes back a week later and the doctor asks her how it went and she
tells him "It was amazing! I slipped the pill in his coffee and he
ripped my clothes off and made love to me right on the table like we
were teenagers again!" The doctor then asked if there were any
problems and she said "Yeah were not allowed in starbucks anymore".

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when boris junior was at primarys school the english teacher mrs cleavage saw boris jiggling & figedeting in his seat and said wassup boris?

he said i need to hang a p#ss teacher :(

mrs cleavage said BORIS never say that, if you want to go to the toilets say Teacher i need to urinate !

after boris went to the toilet and came back to the classesroom, mrs cleavage asked boris to make a sentences with the word urinate in it:o

Boris jnr said

teacher your'e an 8 but if you had bigger tits you'd be a 10, n0 ?:blink:

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Irish Vasectomy:

An Irish couple having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children .....

 The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

 The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

 "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

 So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

 "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

 

This procedure also works in Australia, and maybe a certain office in Petone.

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A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Flemington) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Breweries), but most to see the horses.
 
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
 
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
 
Having no choice, she went inside helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their “wee wees” to direct the flow.
 
As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the 5th grade.”
 
“No, ma’am,” he replied. “I’m the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the Seventh.”

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Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.


As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay.

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:

"Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"

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