joke thread

[Shad 1,553]

A friend went to the doctors to get his aching testicles checked, while the gp was cupping his package, he said don't worry its quite normal to get an erection during this procedure, the patient said buggar off i haven't,  the doctor said i know but i have.

[Gruff 2,790]

....a friend? You a Doctor Shad?

[Shad 1,553]

I always wanted to be a doctor,, but never had any patients, then a vet i thought, but alas there was always someone putting me down, so i turned to the stage, the next stage outa town.

Edited April 29, 2016 by Shad
Typo

[Shad 1,553]

1 hour ago, Gruff said:

....a friend? You a Doctor Shad?

That when you find out who your real friends are.

[rdytdy 5,339]

When I was young I took an entrance exam for medical school. The exam included several questions that would determine eligibility. 

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters PNESI to spell an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled "SPINE" became doctors.

The rest ended up posting here.   

[Pottsie 56]

Man goes into a bar and leaves 2 Warriors season tickets on back seat of his car. Comes out later to see his back door window smashed and on the back seat are now 4 Warriors season tickets.

[Shad 1,553]

I bought a new stick deodorant, the directions said remove cap and push up bottom, it was abit painful but my farts smell lovely.

[Gruff 2,790]

6/05/16, 20:17:37: Mozz: https://www.facebook.com/KaramsarSairFanPage/videos/780021338794683/

[gubellini 3,989]

Mike Godber is going to the Karaka Broodmare Sale on Wednesday.He is going to buy Lot 483 the mare Ishara Yar. He is attracted to Sunday Silence in her pedigree. She has been served by Proisir. He will name the foal Wednesday Silence because that is all we get from him when Peter Earley asks him the BIG questions on his Wednesday Trackside Radio Show.

[Leggy 4,066]

 A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and  hat on

 

to make his way down to the local pub.  He turned to his  wee
wife before leaving and said, "Maggie - put your hat and coat
on  lassie."


She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice.  Are  you
taking me to the pub with you?"


“Nay," Jock replied.
"I'm turning the heater off while  I'm out."  

[Blue 1,095]

A guy went into the chemist and asked for a deodorant. Chemistsaid "certainly sir, stick or ball?"

Customer said "Cheeky bugger, it's for under my arms."

[Blue 1,095]

Years ago I went out with a girl who thought I was a doctor. At least I think that's what she thought.

She kept telling me to  "Cut it out, cut it out !"

[Gruff 2,790]

Moose

I believe you were considering a tidy up of the underpass recently. Make sure you read this first mate. Or have you already gone ahead with the procedure?

 

WARNING: DONT READ IF YOUR SENSITIVE !!!!....TRUE STORY
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect ~ Cerys

[Ohokaman 5,822]

On 8 May 2016 at 6:00 PM, Leggy said:

 A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and  hat on

 

to make his way down to the local pub.  He turned to his  wee
wife before leaving and said, "Maggie - put your hat and coat
on  lassie."


She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice.  Are  you
taking me to the pub with you?"


“Nay," Jock replied.
"I'm turning the heater off while  I'm out."  

That's just a stereotype Leggy.....tut tut....

[Ohokaman 5,822]

1 hour ago, Gruff said:

Moose

I believe you were considering a tidy up of the underpass recently. Make sure you read this first mate. Or have you already gone ahead with the procedure?

 

WARNING: DONT READ IF YOUR SENSITIVE !!!!....TRUE STORY
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect ~ Cerys

Sounds like that stuff Finalgen we used to put on to warm up sore muscles in the old football days.

I rubbed a bit too much on my legs before a game once as the liniment had run out....can't hurt can it....???

As you got warmer, it got hotter. Legs looked like bad sunburn, had to rush back to the dressing room to wash it off in the shower.

Oh how the team laughed.....bastards..........

[Ashoka 1,179]

Ohokaman...

I have felt your pain...literally. I am looking at an old tube as I write this (Finalgon). I note, now, that the first instruction on the tube states "apply sparingly". As a person who tends to use things up rather than discard them...I'm bloody glad that there is bugger all left in the tube. However, from memory, its still more than enough to generate severe pain...

If a little of something works, then more must be better...right?

All the best.

Ashoka

[Ohokaman 5,822]

Never known anything like it Ashoka. I swear it was still burning two days later.

And God forbid that you didn't rearrange your tackle after using it.........

[mooseman 807]

On ‎29‎/‎04‎/‎2016 at 8:49 PM, Shad said:

I always wanted to be a doctor,, but never had any patients

are you the real doctor Ropata ....Shad

[mooseman 807]

7 hours ago, Gruff said:

Moose

I believe you were considering a tidy up of the underpass recently. Make sure you read this first mate. Or have you already gone ahead with the procedure?

All twig and berries hairless and present sir gruff, thanks for the warning!!

[mooseman 807]

Paitient ........Doctor Doctor Shad Ropata 'I think im invisible' ..

Dr S.Ropata...'Who said that'

 

[Gruff 2,790]

22 minutes ago, mooseman said:

All twig and berries hairless and present sir gruff, thanks for the warning!!

Im not doing an inspection private parts..at ease

[Chestnut 3,151]

[Chestnut 3,151]

I think they're cute

 

[Hacko 123]

Shortly after take-off on a evening Air Lingus flight from  Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant  made the following announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.  I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.

 I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

 When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.

 Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”

 

[ivanthegreat 1,123]

                                                                          Irish Humour

* Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,*
* "Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy replies "No tanks,
oi've only got a small yard."*  

* Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the
police station. Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"*

* A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake
to guess where they were going ??. The driver won £52!*

* Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones
the police and says "Bejasus, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a
bomb." The operator asks, "is it tickin? Paddy says "No, oi tink it's
beef"*

* Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making
love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you
yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even
at home yesterday."*

* Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of
a tractor. Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me
and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist
recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."*

* The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50
million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their
own oil ?*

* Paddy says to Mick ? I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got
pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last
year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant." Mick asks - So what are
you going to do this year?." Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"*

* Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" Mick says
"Let's hope it's not the 13th."*

* Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?" Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet
mine .." *