joke thread

[ivanthegreat 1,123]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.. At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?" "The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50

 

[Trump 2,741]

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. Guido is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
 
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
 
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?"
 
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." 
 
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
 
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and tells the lawyer, "Tell him if he doesn’t tell me where my money is, I'll kill him!"
 
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don't tell him."
 
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
 
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
 
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[globederby12 1,495]

My wife came back from the doctors yesterday. She said he needed from me a Urine sample,a Faeces sample and a Semen sample.

After pondering this for a moment ,I handed her my underpants.

[Whyisit 232]

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.  So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit at his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Sally Ann?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the Sally rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? 
 
The stricken Sally rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated Sally rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

[Whyisit 232]

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, He may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

[Whyisit 232]

Four jockeys are on their way home from the Grand National when the Ford Focus they are travelling in is hit by a lorry. The car bursts in flames and they all die.
One of the jockey's trainers is informed that his jockey has been killed and he needs to go down to the morgue to try and identify him - he is warned that all four jockeys are very badly burnt and hardly recognisable.
Inside the morgue, they pull back the sheet on the first body.
"No, thats not him," said the trainer.
They pull back the sheet on the second.
"Nope, thats not him."
The third.
"No, that aint him either."
After pulling back the sheet on the fourth and final body, the trainer says "yep, that's the bastard."
The mortician said, "that's amazing: these bodys are burnt to a crisp, and yet you have identified your jockey just like that, how?"
And the trainer said, "he has been my jockey for 3 years.....and he's never in the first three."

 

[MPERKINS 20]

Laughter is best medicine  Thanks Zelda for starting it off.

 

A man travelling through India came across a young boy crying his heart out, when asking the father what was he crying for the father replied

the Elephant has died, Oh how sad the man said, the father replied he's not crying because the elephant is dead, he's crying because it's his elephant, and he has to dig the hole to bury it.

[Hacko 123]

A wife says to her husband "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back".

He says "what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair".

[Whyisit 232]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde Englishman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. 
They had sat down to eat lunch, and were opening their lunchboxes when the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If Oi get corned beef and cabbage one more time for me lunch, den Oi'm going to jump off dis building!"
 
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,"Burritos again! If I get zese burritos one more time I'm a gonna jump off too!"
 
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too!"'
 
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunchbox, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. 
The Mexican opened his lunchbox, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunchbox, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. 
 
At their triple funeral, the Irishman's widow was weeping. She said, "Oh, if only I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's widow also wept, and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
The two wives looked expectantly at the weeping blonde guy's widow. She dabbed her eyes with a tissue and said, "I just can't understand it. He always made his own lunch."

[Yankiwi 782]

On 25/11/2015, 07:12:53, MPERKINS said:

Laughter is best medicine  

Laughter is only the best medicine, until the RIU start testing for it. 

[ivanthegreat 1,123]

What do you think of our I Pad dad  !!                                                           http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/

 

[Hacko 123]

Wow these new Apple watches are cool!

I just masturbated 25 kilometers

 

[ivanthegreat 1,123]

CRACKER BEAUTY !!!..................................https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NE-al0xSFJo

 

[Leggy 4,089]

Borrowed from the other channel..........

Bloke says to his wife, "your backside is the size of a three burner barbecue!"

Later, in bed, he says "fancy some loving?

Wife replies, "There's no point in lighting a barbecue for half a sausage."
 

[rdytdy 5,343]

This bloke goes to the library and asks the librarian if the new book with advice to help men with small penises is available.

"It's not in yet." she replies.

"That's the one" he says.  

[elo 106]

https://www.nzracing.co.nz/RaceInfo/17587/Meeting-News-Article.aspx

[Whyisit 232]

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
------------------------------------------ 
A man has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
He said it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
----------------------------------------
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 15 hours to hoover the house! 
Turns out she was a Slovak.
--------------------------------------------------------
Since the snow came, all my husband has done is look through the window. 
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let him in.
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A man was charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
In his defence, he said he only intended to rough him up a little.
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Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's riots......
Your manufacturer's warranty runs out soon.
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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD'
Granny replies, "Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.' 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple are in church.  About halfway through the service, the husband leans over and says to his wife, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
She replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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[rdytdy 5,343]

A female dwarf goes to see a doctor who asks her what is the problem.

She tells him that when it rains she gets very sore in her groin area, especially around her vagina. He asks to her get up on to the bed and examines her but can find nothing wrong so he asks her to return when it next rains.

A few days later it is raining and she returns and tells him that she is now in agony and can barely walk. Again he asks her to get on the bed. Upon examining her he says " ooh that does not look good, but I think I can fix it but I'll need some scissors to make a few cuts."

"Anything Doctor," she says, "I just can't take it anymore."

So he grabs a pair of scissors out of his drawer and starts snipping away. After a few minutes he says, "ok all finished, jump down and have a walk around."

She does so and to her amazement there is no pain any more. "Oh thank you Doctor, that's incredible. What did you do?

The Doctor replies "I just cut two inches off the top of your gumboots."      

[zelda kratchanova 2 501]

On 11/27/2015, 8:54:37, rdytdy said:

This bloke goes to the library and asks the librarian if the new book with advice to help men with small penises is available.

"It's not in yet." she replies.

"That's the one" he says.  

speaking of books

borises favourite sports book is

how to lick your opponent

by martina natraliova

[Whyisit 232]

A circus owner runs an ad "Lion Tamer Wanted" and two people showed up......

One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties The circus owner tells them, I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion.  He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history."

Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun ......
Who wants to try out first?"
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage.  The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.  As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.  The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.  He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!  He says "That's amazing!  I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old golfer replies, "Possibly...but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

[rdytdy 5,343]

My wife and I decided to go on an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like. It did not start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just a few miles from the station.

We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English. The train and surrounding streets were full of Muslims and angry bearded types glared at us. The wife stood out in her brightly coloured sun dress whilst all the local women were draped in black, head to toe burqas. We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.

Just then, Jenny, our group leader ushered us off the train and round the corner to the Mt Albert bus terminal, where we continued our journey safely to Auckland Airport. 

[Whyisit 232]

A man walked into a cafe,went and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir , that'll be five cents'
"Five cents?' the man exclaimed  

He glanced down at the menu and asked: 'How much for a juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'      'Ten cents,' the bartender replied.    'Ten cents ?  That's crazy!' exclaimed the man.

' Where's the guy who owns this place.'   The bartender replied 'Upstairs with my wife.'    

The man asked: 'Whats he doing with your wife upstairs?'
The bartender replied: 'What I'm doing to his business down here.'

 

[ivanthegreat 1,123]

https://youtu.be/P842Tmi6lrc

 

[chevy86 2,710]

[Fartoomuch 1,376]

Now that  "wheelie bins" are used for rubbish,
a dust collector was driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie
bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.

 

In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.

 

There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

 

Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries
again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still
perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean,
where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in
the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!