RaceCafe..#1...Tipsters Thread.... Share Your Fancies For Fun...Lets See Who The Best Tipsters Here Are.
zelda kratchanova 2

joke thread

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THE BACON TREE

 

 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

 

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

 

"Si, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

 

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

 

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

 

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

 

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

 

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

 

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

 

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

 

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it? "

 

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...

 

Ees....

 

Ees...

 

Ees...

Ees...

 

Ees...

 

 

Ees.... a ham bush."

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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know; I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his
2016 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. Because
of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have
to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather strong sex drive."
The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshitting' me!"
The social worker said: "Yeah, well . You started it"

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A Glasgow couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says,

 

"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a bloke. Tell him you charge a hundred pounds.

Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

 

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a fella pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, " £100.? He replies,

 

"All I got is thirty."

 

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks.. "What now. What can he get for thirty?? "A hand job," the husband replied..

 

She runs back and tells the bloke all he gets for thirty quid is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car.

He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy She stares at it for a few seconds, then says.. "I'll be right back.."

 

She runs back to the husband.

 

"What's wrong?" he asks.

 

"Any chance you could lend this bloke £70?"

 

A Glasgow couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says,

 

"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a bloke. Tell him you charge a hundred pounds.

Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

 

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a fella pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, " £100.? He replies,

 

"All I got is thirty."

 

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks.. "What now. What can he get for thirty?? "A hand job," the husband replied..

 

She runs back and tells the bloke all he gets for thirty quid is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car.

He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy She stares at it for a few seconds, then says.. "I'll be right back.."

 

She runs back to the husband.

 

"What's wrong?" he asks.

 

"Any chance you could lend this bloke £70?"

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Possum hunter had been bush for 2 months.Decided he felt like a woman so headed into the pub.

After buying drinks for one all night and the bell ringing for last drinks at 10,He asked her,after driving all the way to find her,and buying her drinks all night,are you coming home with me.

She answered,I would love to,but have my menstrual cycle.He said,thats ok,I have my ute outside,I'll throw it on the back.

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I came out a store and there was a cop writing out a ticket. I said, "hey, how about giving a guy a break?" He just ignored me so I called him an asshole, he wrote out another ticket for worn tires so I called him a shithead. Every time I called him a name he wrote out another ticket. This went on for about 15 min. till my bus showed up and I got on and left...1f642.png:)

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The doctor that had been seeing an 80yr old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines

that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these ,his eyes grew wide as he realized Granma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night"

"Mrs Smith, I assure you there is NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep! "

The old lady reached out and patted the young doctors knee...

" Yes dear, I know that. But every morning ,I grind one up and mix it in a glass of orange juice that my 16 yr old granddaughter drinks, and believe me

it definitely helps me sleep at night"

YOU GOTTA LOVE GRANDMAS

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3 weeks after sex,the prostitute went to the police,wanting to lay a rape charge.The policeman said to her,you are a prostitute,so why has it taken 3 weeks to report it.She replied,"Because his cheque bounced,"

 

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A couple having finance problems,so husband suggests she go and work the corner.He says,for safety I'll park around the corner,and charge $100 for full sex....after 10 minutes a client comes and asks,how much for sex.She replies $100,to which he advises he only has $30.She tells him to wait,runs off to the car to tell hubby he only has $30.The hubby tells her for $30,get to her knees and give a bj....she go's back and tells the client to which he agrees,dropping his shorts and exposing his huge dick.She looks in amazement as she shouts,"Wow",telling him to wait a minute and not leave.She runs back to the car yelling to the husband,"Can we lend this guy $70 darling."

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.  Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.  He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.  They are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task,  even for a car as large as the limousine.  Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 
"Sir, you are too kind.  Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, 
"Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.
 
"Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?Look at Congress -- over 300 Lawyers!!!
 
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity".
 
 
 

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LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it..'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, but he minded his own fucking business.'

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Subject: Marking A Test Paper             
 
 
 
Clever answers,I enjoyed and want it to share with you,
A student got a big Zero on a test paper - see below. I thought it merited full marks!


Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
 
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? 
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? 
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? 
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? 
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? 
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? 
The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? 
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? 
No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? 
You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? 
Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? 
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? 
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

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Seeing it is Mother's Day:

When I was young I didn't like going to weddings. My mother would tell me "You're next." However she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

When I applied to join the police they asked me "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" I replied "call for backup."

My mother caught me coming out of a strip club and after a bollocking she then asked "Did you see anything in there you shouldn't have?" "Certainly did," I replied, "Dad."

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