RaceCafe..#1...Tipsters Thread.... Share Your Fancies For Fun...Lets See Who The Best Tipsters Here Are.
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joke thread

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THE BACON TREE
 
http://bbsimg.ngfiles.com/14/24123000/ngbbs5016f0e8a5156.jpg
 
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.
 
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
 
"Si, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
 
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
 
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
 
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
 
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
 
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
 
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
 
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
 
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
 
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it? "
 
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...
 
 
Ees....
 
Ees...
 
 
 
Ees...
Ees...
 
 
Ees...
 
 
Ees.... a ham bush."
 

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Three prominent surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in town. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in the track and field events at the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs”. Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 160kms an hour.
All I had left to work with was the man's  blonde hair and the horse's arse.
I was able to put them back together and now he's running for President of the U.S.A! "

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HOW TO START A FIGHT 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... 
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. 
When she asked me why, I replied, 
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" 
And that's how the fight started..... 
________________________________ 
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. 
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 
'No,' she answered. I then said, 
'Is that your final answer?' 
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' 
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." 
And that's when the fight started... 
________________________________ 
I took my wife to a restaurant. 
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." 
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" 
"Nah, she can order for herself." 
And that's when the fight started..... 
________________________________ 
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she keptstaring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. 
I asked her, "Do you know him?" 
"Yes", she sighed, 
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we 
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
 
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" 
And then the fight started... 
________________________________ 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. 
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
 
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." 
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. 
________________________________ 
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. 
She asked, "What's on TV?" 
I said, "Dust." 
And then the fight started... 
________________________________ 
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." 
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" 
And that's how the fight started... 
________________________________ 
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. 
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." 
I bought her a bathroom scale. 
And then the fight started...... 
________________________________ 
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. 
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. 
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. 
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. 
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. 
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.. 
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social 
Security office...
 
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' 
And then the fight started... 
________________________________ 
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. 
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. 
I really need you to pay me a compliment.' 
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." 
And then the fight started........


 

 

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A young Chinese couple get married.......


She's a virgin & they are both waiters ....

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want.. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..


A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69". 

 

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her.....

"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

 

 

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Guest 2Admin2

Irish 
Vasectomy.

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was   expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large
firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. 

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the   smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker   and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Australia

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A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. 

Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me, "You lazy sod! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up and give her a break!"

I thought 'Women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms to mind her own business. I told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening. 

But after a few days I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower -just to show my sensitive side. I'm really proud of the deal I got and also very proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys, weshould take good care of our wives... Then maybe they'll take good care of us.

I've attached a picture below...hope it comes through OK



GetFileAttachment?id=AQMkADAwATZiZmYAZC1

I KNOW - I'M TOO BLOODY SOFT WITH HER. SHE'LL PROBABLY WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT!!

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Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."

Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old.

Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?"

Mick says, " Well, I couldn't walk for about a year."

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A woman comes home to find her husband in bed with the hottest dwarf you'll ever find.

She yells, all emotional and such, "you promised me you would never cheat again!"

The husband, wipes the sweat off his brow, takes a moment, disengages, gestures to at his bed partner and says...

"But babes, I'm cutting back"

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You all know what a schnauser is eh? Those little grey dogs with whiskers and long eyebrows like an old man. Well, a woman had a pet who was a bit listless and wouldn't pay attention to her. She took him to the vet who explained their hair is very fine but grows very dense and, like us old guys, inside their ears until, if not trimmed, can make them almost deaf. So he trimmed the dog's ears and BINGO, good as gold.

"Now, you can bring him back every two months or so and I'll sort him or you can get hair removal gel from the chemist, apply it with a cotton bud and fix it yourself," says the vet.

She decides on the latter, selects the gel and pays the chemist who says "Be careful If you're using deodorant as it might sting for a while."

"it's ok," says the woman "it's not for under my arms."

"Oh," says the chemist "then make sure you put on plenty of sunscreen before you go out in the sun."

"No," says the woman "It's not for my legs either. Actually it's for my Schnauser." to which the chemist replies

"Oh, well, don't ride your bike for for a week."

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Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to r, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board,

and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

 

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”

 

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”

 

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

 

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,  looking like he'd just beenrun over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

********************************************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, Where have ya been?" 

" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"  slurs the drunk. 

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." 

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. 

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and  folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

*****************************************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". 

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" 

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." 

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus Is dead and gone. I'm sorry. 

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee."

******************************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 

She says, "That he did, Father." 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" 

She says, he said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 

*********************************************************

 

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 

The Priest coughs a few times to get his Attention but the drunk continues to sit there. 

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

 

 

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Positivity for ladies
 
 
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
 "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
 "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
 "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called The Teste," she answered.
 "Don't go any further," said the hairdresser. "I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
 "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
 A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
 "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
 "And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel... the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
 "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
 
"Oh, really!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "What'd he say?"
 
He said, "Who fucked up your hair?"
 

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                                                                        Ed Zachary Disease

 

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.....Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?' Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied…. ….'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

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