zelda kratchanova 2 501 Report post Posted October 2, 2015 boris says racecafe needs a joke thread to keep peoples happy,n0? boris juniors friend yuri removed all the germans names from his mobile phone, now its hans free did you hear about the dislexic agnotsic he is certain there is no dog add yours no? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gruff 2,790 Report post Posted October 2, 2015 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdytdy 5,341 Report post Posted October 2, 2015 I went round to my dyslexic mate's place the first morning after daylight saving ended. He was putting nugget all over his willie. I said' " Mate, you are supposed to turn your clock back." Black Kirrama and king canute 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivanthegreat 1,123 Report post Posted October 3, 2015 Barry, the Kiwibuilder, was going through a house he had just built,with the woman who owned it.She was telling him what colours to paint each room. They went into thefirst room and she said, "This room to be a light blue."The builder went to the front door and yelled out "Green side up!" As hewent back she said the next room was to be red.The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up!"Once back with her, she said "This one to be tan."And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up!"The lady, very curious, said "I keep telling you different colours but,you always yell "Green side up","What do you say that for?""Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder, "I've got a coupleof Aussies laying turf out front."------------------------------------------------------------------------ Grego, elbow, Cubes and 1 other 4 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
zelda kratchanova 2 501 Report post Posted October 3, 2015 why cant the all blackscs take there girlfiends to the games? because they jump the fence and eat the grass the shue25 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimsmith 224 Report post Posted October 4, 2015 I rang weight watchers last week after noticing I'd put on a lot of weight. I asked them to send somebody round. They said.no problem we have plenty of those. I went round to see my nana last weekend. I asked her. What have you been up to? She said weedin the garden. I said oh well at least you didn't shit in it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hacko 123 Report post Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador". "Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" Edited October 5, 2015 by Hacko Tried to download a picture but didn't work. Changed jokes bestbets, vanturk1 and Black Kirrama 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hacko 123 Report post Posted October 5, 2015 The wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worse. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Cubes, Shad and sir1galivant 2 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
fisheys 0 Report post Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) two blondes walk into a bank......you'd think one of them would have seen it!. i see on trade-me the pomes are selling their bus as they wont need it again its brand new, only been used twice, lol Edited October 6, 2015 by fisheys Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethereal 36 Report post Posted October 6, 2015 Riding the favourite at Riccarton, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies ashe went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run, he was struck on thehead by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards tocomplain that he had been seriously hampered. Ashoka, Cubes, Black Kirrama and 5 others 8 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Al Feilding 292 Report post Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) I went for a blacksmith job,he asked if I ever shoed a horse. i said no but I once told a donkey to fuck off. Edited October 6, 2015 by Al Feilding a Canelo, kakama, Cubes and 4 others 7 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leggy 4,076 Report post Posted October 6, 2015 Heard about a job lot of white rugby shirts that don't machine wash as they wilt under pressure, if anyone is interested. And I see a bus is for sale on ebay ….”Almost brand new, only used twice" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
I Have Left 463 Report post Posted October 6, 2015 I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''. Ashoka, vanturk1, GONSTA and 2 others 5 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
N1MUE 1,877 Report post Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) Richard - that first one is my favourite Dad joke - classic!! Guy says to the doctor, "I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse". Doctor says "wait I've got some cream for that" Edited October 6, 2015 by N1MUE GONSTA 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hacko 123 Report post Posted October 7, 2015 Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today. She shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realized she was just on standby. GONSTA, vanturk1 and porky 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yankiwi 782 Report post Posted October 7, 2015 Driving home from the track yesterday, I had to pull off to the side of the road so an ambulance could pass. Just as it passed its rear door popped open and a chilly bin fell out. The ambulance continued on like nothing had happened & curiosity got the best of me. I hopped out of my car & opened the chilly bin. Inside it was full of ice and a plastic bag with someone's big toe in it. Unsure what to do I rang 111 on my mobile. A woman asked what was the source of my emergency. I said that I needed a big tow truck here quick. Michael Roustoby 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
porky 900 Report post Posted October 7, 2015 #Archie walks into the classroom for his 1st day of school...the teacher says right class, get out all your pens and pencils... Archie said I havn,t got any fuckin pens or pencils...she sends him to face the corner. She said ok class my names Mrs Revolver...you put the 1st syllable with the 2nd syllable and the 2nd syllable with the third. You,ve got ya R.e, ya got ya Re..ya got ya v.o.l, ya got ya vol, ya got ya Revol, ya got ya v.e.r, ya got ya ver, ya got ya Revolver... She walked over and poked Archie and said whats your name lad?...Archibald maam, she said "right lets hear it then". Archibald Arsholtorn...Ya got ya A.r.c.h, ya got ya Arch, ya got ya I, ya got ya Archi , ya got ya b.a.l.d, ya got ya bald, ya got ya ibald ya got ya archibald, ya got ya A.r.s.e, ya got ya Arse,ya got ya bald Arse,ya got ya i bald, ya got ya Archibald Arse, ya got ya h.o.l ya got ya hol, ya got ya Arsehol,ya got ya bald Arsehol,ya got ya ibalb Arsehol, ya got ya Archibald Arsehol, ya got ya t.o.r.n,ya got ya torn,ya got ya holtorn,ya got ya Arseholtorn, ya got ya bald Arseholtorn, Ya got ya ARCHIBALD ARSEHOLTORN Maam! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yankiwi 782 Report post Posted October 7, 2015 (edited) The first time my misses ever saw me naked she started laughing and pointing at me. I asked "What are you laughing about"? She said "You" I asked "What about me"? She said "That" I asked "What about that"? She replied "You are you going to please with that"? I said "Me" Edited October 7, 2015 by Yankiwi elbow 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Al Feilding 292 Report post Posted October 7, 2015 Not a joke,but written on the board in the Staffroom..... they come into my classroom with an Iphone6 but can't bring a fuckln pencil. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yankiwi 782 Report post Posted October 8, 2015 We were having some family financial problems so the wife & I discussed how we were going to sort it out. We decided that we couldn't spend any money on ourselves, only the necessities. She told me I couldn't by beer anymore...... I reluctantly agreed. One week past & she had returned home from her grocery shopping trip to Countdown. Inside one of the 7 large plastic bag was a smaller plastic bag with things like lipstick & eyeliner. I asked her how it was ok for her to buy those things for herself. She said that she just wanted to look really nice for me. I told her that's what the beer was for. Hacko, Ashoka, elbow and 2 others 5 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hacko 123 Report post Posted October 8, 2015 I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p.nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "you're pulling my leg" GONSTA, Ashoka, rdytdy and 2 others 5 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ohokaman 5,825 Report post Posted October 8, 2015 hizzy, elbow, Yankiwi and 3 others 6 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
globederby12 1,495 Report post Posted October 8, 2015 I lost a good friend and drinking Buddy last weekend in a tragic accident He got his finger caught in a Wedding Ring ! hizzy and Ashoka 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
zelda kratchanova 2 501 Report post Posted October 17, 2015 boris says little johnnys dad caught hm in the gardens pulling wings off butterflys and said thats disgracefull no butter for you for a month, next day he caughts little johnny squashing honey bees on the flowers and said never again do these things, no honey for you for a month. next day at breakfasts little johnnies mum was cooking bacons and egg when a big cockroach run out from under the sink and she stepped on it hard and squashed it little johnny says do you want to tell her dad or will i hizzy and king canute 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yankiwi 782 Report post Posted October 17, 2015 When does a bloke reach his top IQ level? Before sex During sex After sex #2 During sex, when he's plugged into a know it all. bloke 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...