hedley

..th'Laughing~Lounge., yours to Add to.."hehehee"

194 posts in this topic

..look i just simply HAD To copy'n'paste This., it's come off a tree in a different part of the forrest., Thomas the Tankengine vs Triton [they battle each day]

 

 

 

The latest research is that one should stand while tossing the caber in front of the webcam Twights....a good dose of "Veet" would help too..I'm thinking you'd be into a bit of Bob Marley...so heres a warning if you go down that route...

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a matt of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect... ;)

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

..Orstraalians favourite sexual position..called the roodybooh., and both genders hustle for it., seems everyone wants to be on the bottom....

post-620-0-03061500-1376907350_thumb.jpg

..do all their males have that onset orstrao-arthritus? . .it'd make sense of a lot of their verbatum., "Put the boxing gloves back on 'im Mum!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A NUN AT HOOTERS - (it's clean fun)

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a

While 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked

Up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of

A naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just

Long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they

Applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,'Would you like a

Drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on

That statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There's an annual contest at Bond University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's chosen term was "political correctness."

 

The winning student wrote:

 

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of sh*t by the clean end."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As we slowly move through retirement, we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects . . . . . . like this guy.

post-620-0-99288200-1378784333_thumb.jpg

i know, i saw it right away too. . . .

No safety glasses or hearing protection.

And i caught something else that is really important: he's not wearing gloves.

I might be up in age but i'm still sharp as a tack . . . . .

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Nail

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

..So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,

'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, .......

'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.' :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An old man in his mid-seventies struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, “Where are you going?”

He replies, “I'm going to the doctor.”

She says, “Why, are you sick?”

He says, “Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.”

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, “Where the heck are you going?”

She answers, “I'm going to the doctor too.”

He says, “Why, what do you need?”

She says, “If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

an Irish Road accident

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ..'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until....

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just

dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street ..'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A policeman stops an old woman dragging two plastic bags down the footpath.

One has a split and 20 dollar notes are falling out.

" Excuse me mam " sais the cop.

"You are losing 20  dollar notes from yr bag"

"Oh thanks " sais the old woman"I will go back and retrieve them."

" Hold on a minute "sais the cop. "Where did you get all that money"

The old women explains.

"I live next door to a Golf course and men are always peeing through my fence and ruining my vegetables, so I decided to wait by the fence and when they stuck their willys through I grabbed them with one hand and demanded 20 dollars or I would use the secaters and cut it off"

"Oh" said the cop.

"and what is in the other bag"

"Well ,not everyone is willing to pay" sais the old woman.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes I Think !!

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone

has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball,

but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'

Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.

Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life, Because Life is a journey to be savored.

Gentle Thoughts for Today -

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then Poop on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have

gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . .. . . . . AMEN

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is what happens when a woman engineer has way too much time on her hands!

The Nude Men Clock

Be sure to click on the clock to make it digital. It's actually the correct time even counting the seconds!!!

What kind of computer engineer mind thinks of these things? Yikes!!

THE NUDE MEN CLOCK - A MUST SEE FOR YOURSELF

And it is NOT X-rated.

This is a masterpiece!!! This is extremely clever and it does actually work,

in BOTH formats!!!! Digital and Analog. And it's actually on YOUR correct time.

This human clock is fantastic. http://lovedbdb.com/nudemenClock/index2.html

Click anywhere

in the clock and it becomes digital, another click and it returns to

normal

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.

Theirs will be first on the schedule.

The older boy leans over and asks,

"What are you having done?"

The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about.

I had that done when I was four.

They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.

It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.

"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
How can you tell that an earthquake is coming?

This is lifesaving information for those of us who
live near beaches .....

 

OK, so you don’t live near the beach, but l’m sending it
anyway, just to keep you informed â€¦..

 

 

 

 

post-620-0-70976800-1381222529.gif

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
You’ve gotta love little Johnny!!!

                               
 
2+2+2=7 

 

post-620-0-03900400-1381226645.gif

 

You  gotta love  him! 

 

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats  and  another 2 cats and another 2, how many will  you  have?  
Johnny: Seven,  Sir. 
Teacher: No, listen  carefully... If I  gave you 2 cats, and another 2  cats and another 2, how many will  you  have? 
Johnny: Seven,  Sir. 
Teacher: Let me put it to you   differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another  2 apples and  another 2, how many would you  have? 
Johnny:  Six. 
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave  you 2  cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,  how many would you  have?  
Johnny:  Seven!!! SIR! 
A  very  angry Teacher: Where in the hell do  you get  seven from?!?!?  
A  very angry  JohnnyBecause,.... I've  already got a Bloody   cat!!!

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now