hedley

..th'Laughing~Lounge., yours to Add to.."hehehee"

194 posts in this topic

..seeding the next generation of 'Racegoers'

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

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..nice one Sheriff., too good not pinch and put here,

..and the one below i saw, and thought i 'had to have that'..then i saw you'd Also found it :)

Hilarious commercial,

Mafia buy 'worlds best' racing horse for half their money, then bet the rest of their money on the race...lets see what happens?

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"thanks Sheriff!..too good not to pinch and put here in 'the~Lounge' "post-620-0-07980700-1373185645.gif

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British

TV and radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from

Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl

Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely

horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't

that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the

Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is

playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his

balls and kisses them .....

Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team

Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have

snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's

that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to

leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so

hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better

today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like

this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen

Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male

astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They

seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in

his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny

Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to

use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

and a couple from our beloved Mex

10) "Spencer's running across field calling out, 'come inside me, come inside me.'" - Sky TV's rugby man, the ubiquitous Murray Mexted

11) "I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him" - One more infamous quote from Mexted

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The Fence Repair

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House. One is from Auckland, another is from Wellington, and the third is from Ngaruawhahia.

All three go with an official to examine the fence.

The Auckland contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Wellington contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Ngaruawhahia contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,900."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Ngaruawhahia contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Auckland to fix the fence."

"Done!" Replies the government official.

And that, my fellow taxpayers, is how a Government Stimulus plan works - and retains the spirit of the Treaty

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CONFUCIUS

Say post-620-0-82114700-1373186317.jpg

Confucius Say: It's OK to let a fool kiss you;

but don't let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs

for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover

than love a loser.

Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom

is called a Daddy.

Confucius Say: Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax

doesn't know if he's coming or going.

Confucius Say: A drunken man's words

are a sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account.

You put it in,

you take it out,

and you lose interest.

Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland ...

a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have

than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say: A joke is like sex.

Neither is any good if you don't get it.

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Bless the Australians and their sense of humor

 

post-620-0-99629700-1373186946_thumb.jpg

 

 

The following questions were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
 

________________________________________________

Q:Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q:Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q:Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... 
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q:Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

post-620-0-89355800-1373187157_thumb.jpg

 

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Maori are not Stupid' Convention

33,000 Maori meet at the Westpac Stadium for a 'Maori Are Not Stupid' convention. 

Political leader, Pita Sharples addresses the crowd. 'We are all here today 
to prove to the world that Maori are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer 
please?


Hone Harawira gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the 
stage.


Pita asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' 
After a few seconds Hone says, ' Forty!'


So the Maori start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!' 

Pita says, 'Well since we have a huge crowd, world-wide press and global 
broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.' 

So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?' 
Hone says, ' Twelve?'


Everyone is disheartened and Hone looks like he's going to weep. But then 
the 33,000 Maori begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him 
another chance! Give him another chance!' 

Pita, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says,


'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?' 
Hone closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?' 

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Maori crowd stand, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!

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[..a little un-p.c.]

 

 

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. 

And you, Susie? 

 









 

" I wanna be Johnny's bitch.  

 

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The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

  
 
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
 
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
 
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.  Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
 
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
 
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000. a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
 
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
 
After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
 
The man replied, 'Tacoma '.
 
'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Tacoma.'
 
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
 
 
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
 
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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..lovin' life in TONGA

 

 

 

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. 
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. 

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. 
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. 
 
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. post-620-0-10474200-1373677934.gif

 

 

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Punographics~.

 

 

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea?  Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again?  Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

 

 

 

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