rdytdy 5,341 Report post Posted November 19, 2015 Special Travel Package for Businessmen An Airline introduced a special package for business men. Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free! After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how the trip was.72% of them gave the same reply..."What trip?" New SIM to Surprise Her Husband Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room. She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling."The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen. Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture. All the knives were missing the target! Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"His honest reply, "MISSING YOU." Your Husband Needs Rest Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you ! bloke 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bloke 1,232 Report post Posted November 19, 2015 A husband was taking counselling from a Sex Therapist who asked him if he ever talked to his wife whilst having sex to which he answered "Only if there is a phone handy" elbow, Canelo and Hacko 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hacko 123 Report post Posted November 19, 2015 I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening. Gruff and elbow 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diver Dan 187 Report post Posted November 19, 2015 Subject: FW: Ahhh... The Irish. Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year-old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!". "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?" elbow and bloke 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canelo 459 Report post Posted November 19, 2015 I confronted my neighbour today, he's being investigated for pedophilia. I asked him "where do you get off??!!!" he replied "in my car outside the intermediate" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canelo 459 Report post Posted November 19, 2015 I confronted my neighbour today, he's being investigated for having sex with horses. I asked him "do you get a kick out of what you do??!!!" he replied "not since I started using hobbles" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canelo 459 Report post Posted November 19, 2015 I confronted my neighbour today, he's recently converted to Islam. I said "what's the attraction to this religion?" he replied "when you die you are surrounded by pious virgins" I replied "why not save time and just go and work for trackside?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canelo 459 Report post Posted November 19, 2015 My neighbour is an avid golf fan. I said to him today "God that Lydia Ko is one of a kind!" he replied " because she's only a schoolgirl and she's dominating the LPGA?" I said "no because she's an Asian and is good at driving!" chevy86, Gruff, elbow and 2 others 5 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canelo 459 Report post Posted November 19, 2015 Ok racism, xenophobia, tasteless vulgar smut. Pretty much covered it all tonight. Awaiting Fatwa.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canelo 459 Report post Posted November 19, 2015 ok, one more offensive one them I'm done. I asked my Aussie neighbour today "what are you Aussies most passionate about?" he replied "maaaate are you thick or whaaaaat? they're brown and we love kicking them!!" I said " I thought racism in Australia was a thing of the past??" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
globederby12 1,495 Report post Posted November 19, 2015 Two Hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat they talk about their moon shine operation. Suddenly a woman a woman at a nearby table ,who is eating a sandwich,begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes clear that she is in distress. One of the Hillbillie's looks at her and says. "Kin yah swaller" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks "Kin yah breathe" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,yanks down her knickers,and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick of his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,the hillbilly slowly walks back to his table. His partner says. "Yah know,I'd heerd of the 'hind lick maneuver' but I aint niver seed nobody do it" Ohokaman, chevy86, Whyisit and 4 others 7 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canelo 459 Report post Posted November 19, 2015 Two circumcised penises went out drinking, after a few too many one said to the other "duuude you're soooo cut!" the other one said "we both are!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ohokaman 5,824 Report post Posted November 20, 2015 The other night I dreamt I was shagging the blonde one out of ABBA. It was the worst experience I've ever had to endure. Why the fuck I couldn't have dreamt I was shagging his gorgeous wife Agnetha instead, I'll never know..... elbow, bloke and Canelo 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canelo 459 Report post Posted November 20, 2015 What mouthwash does John Key use? Lisperine bloke 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canelo 459 Report post Posted November 20, 2015 Jarrod Fogle spent the last 15 years endorsing foot longs and will spend the next 15 years with them in his arse. bloke 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivanthegreat 1,123 Report post Posted November 22, 2015 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivanthegreat 1,123 Report post Posted November 22, 2015 An old retired seaman named Luxton puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?' The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.''Three knots?' he asks.'What's that supposed to mean?' She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back'. Traka, elbow, vanturk1 and 1 other 4 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivanthegreat 1,123 Report post Posted November 22, 2015 Subject: Cowboy condom purchase... The best one in years! Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE. CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!! elbow 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leggy 4,074 Report post Posted November 22, 2015 250 year old copper wire proof of early telecoms in USA After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians”. One week later, the Taranaki Times in New Zealand, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Stratford, Hemi Smith, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all. Hemi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Aotearoa New Zealand had already gone wireless. Whyisit, king canute, Nearco and 4 others 7 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Traka 115 Report post Posted November 22, 2015 My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It's not working, I can't take it any more. I am going to my mums place". I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold...... What the hell was she talking about. Canelo and ivanthegreat 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
globederby12 1,495 Report post Posted November 22, 2015 Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship. She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off" Gruff, Canelo and Steve Paul 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
globederby12 1,495 Report post Posted November 22, 2015 Some people say drinking milk makes you stronger. Drink 5 glasses of milk and try to move a wall. Can,t? Now drink 5 glasses of wine The wall moves all by itself rdytdy 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diver Dan 187 Report post Posted November 23, 2015 Johnny's back at school The teacher asked, "Class use the word contagious in a sentence." Molly put her hand up and said, My little sister has chickenpox and they are contagious. The teacher said, "Very good Molly." Sally raised her hand and said, "My little brother has the mumps and they are contagious". The teacher said, "Very good Sally." Little Johnny was jumping around in his seat, hand raise in the air, waving back and forth. The teacher had been stung with Johnny's remarks before and was very reluctant to let him speak. Unfortunately he was the only other child in the class with his hand up. So the teacher thought she better give him a chance. "OK Johnny, give me a sentence with the word contagious in it" Johnny was all excited that he was given a chance. He said, "Teacher my dad was sitting in the lawn chair with his friend drinking beer. My mom was cutting the lawn. Dad said to his friend "It's going to take that contagious to cut the lawn. Steve Paul and elbow 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
elo 106 Report post Posted November 23, 2015 the next day teacher asks the class for a sentence with the word fascinate in it. Sally raised her hand and said "yesterday we went to the zoo and I was fascinated. Teacher said that is nice but the word was fascinated not fascinate. Molly raised her hand and said "we went to the circus and it was fascinating"Teacher said good but that word is fascinating not fascinate. again little Johny has his hand up and the teacher asks - yes Johny _ "Miss my aunt Janes tits are that big she can only fascinate buttons! elbow 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hacko 123 Report post Posted November 23, 2015 Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still f*cking celebrating!!" bloke, richie and elbow 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...