joke thread

[ivanthegreat 1,123]

 

[ivanthegreat 1,123]

 

[von Smallhaussen 3,226]

[Spikecity 749]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.

” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

[rdytdy 5,339]

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle,

bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle,

the bottle would break.

So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. 

It turned out to be a very good decision,

because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

[Spikecity 749]

A 75 year old man Gary was having his yearly checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better!”Gary boasted.

“I’ve got a 20 year old wife who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an insatiable hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor asked.

Dumbfounded, Gary replied, “No, what?”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him.”

“That’s can not be true!” screamed the old man.

“Someone else must of shot the bear.”

“That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.

[Spikecity 749]

Gerard in Switzerland calls his son Justin in Paris the day before Christmas Eve and says,

“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; fifty years of misery is enough.”

‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ Justin screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” Gerard says.

“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister Winona in Manchester and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” Winona shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Switzerland immediately, and screams at her father “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m

calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, do you understand me?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Perfect!Justin and Winona are coming for Christmas and they’re paying their own way.’

[Ohokaman 5,822]

[Ohokaman 5,822]

On a great day in the Garden of Heaven, Adam calls out to God and says, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What happened, Adam?”, God replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden,with all this delicious food and all of these amazing animals, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Adam?”God replies.

Adam says,“My Lord, I am lonely.”

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.”

Adam asks,“What’s a ‘woman’,My Lord?”

“This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent,sophisticated,sensitive,caring,and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent and sophisticated that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unconditionally care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect partner for you.” God replies.

Adam smiles and says, "Sounds cool.”

“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”

“How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?”, Adam replies.

“She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.”

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face.

Finally Adam says to God, “Uhmm,My Lord, what can I get for my rib?”

You know the rest of the story.

[Ohokaman 5,822]

A family is sitting in the living room chatting.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, amazed, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three stages.

In their 20s, a woman’s breasts are like oranges, round and firm.In the 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice,hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

That makes his wife and daughter angry...

The daughter asks, “Mum, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, 

"Well, dear, a man goes through three stages also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” 

"A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 

 

[Ohokaman 5,822]

Ronald joins a very exclusive nudist community.

On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to walk around.

A gorgeous brunette walks by, and he immediately gets an erection. The brunette notices Ronald’s erection, comes over to him and asks, “Did you call for me?” 

Ronald replies, “No,what do you mean?” 

She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a law here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Ronald continues to explore the community. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within seconds a gigantic,bearded guy lumbers out of the steam room toward him, 

“Did you call for me?” says the gigantic guy. 

“No, what do you mean?” says the rookie Ronald. 

“You must be new,” says the gigantic guy, “it’s a law that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The rookie Ronald staggers back to the community management office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked hot clerk,

“May I help you?” she says.

Ronald yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the 1000 bucks membership fee.” 

“But, Sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”

Ronald replies,

“Listen young lady, I’m 70 years old. I only get an erection once in a month.But I fart 20 times a day.”

 

[Spikecity 749]

George Bush becomes very sick and dies. He goes to Hell where the Lucifer is waiting for him.

 

“I don’t know what to do,” says the Lucifer. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, i found what to do.So I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I’ll even let you decide who leaves.”

George Bush thought that sounded enough good so he agreed.

The Lucifer opened the first room’s door. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his destiny in Hell.

“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long .”

The Lucifer led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of giant rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No! I’ve got this problem with my arm. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.

The Lucifer opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton sitting naked on the chair with his arms staked over his head and he spreads his legs.Monica Lewinsky on the knees, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in doubt for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The Lucifer smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”

[ivanthegreat 1,123]

 

[Nicky47 27]

Whats the similarity between a rubic cube and a penis???The longer you play with them,the harder they get!

[Nicky47 27]

Whats a guys name with just 2 inches???Just-in!

[Ohokaman 5,822]

Trio in Heaven

 

Barack, Hillary and Donald are standing in front of the throne of heaven. Almighty God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I want to ask you what you have learned and what you believe in.”

God asks Barack first: “Son, What do you believe in?”

Obama thinks long and hard, looks God straight in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my citizens.”

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and asks, “And what do you believe in?”

Hillary calculates for a while and then says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Barack I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”

God is greatly moved by Hillary’s eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and asks, “And you, Donald, what do you believe in?”

Donald replies, “I believe, that you are in my seat.”

[Shad 1,553]

A mate invited me to the nudist camp for the weekend, i told him i cant go, cause i got something on.

[ivanthegreat 1,123]

 

[Spikecity 749]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.

He said, “You must be single.” The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, “Well, y’know, that’s right. But how in earth did you know that?

The drunk said, “Cause you’re uglier ‘n shit.”

[Spikecity 749]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

Kid says, “$101,237.64.” Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?” 

Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?” 

Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing” 

[Spikecity 749]

Caitlyn is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.

She goes to the door then opens it.Caitlyn sees a guy standing in front of the door.

He asks the lady, “Hello! Do you have a Vagina?”

She slams the door in angrily.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same guy and he asks the same question to her, “Hello! Do you have a Vagina?”

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband Jason comes home from work Caitlyn tells him what has happened for the last two days.

Jason tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Darling, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again.”

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.

Jason whisperes to Caithlyn, “Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he’s going with this.”

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same guy is standing there, he asks, “Hello! Do you have a Vagina?”

“Yes I do.” says the lady.

The guy replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”

[Shad 1,553]

My son rang me today, and said dad, I'm transgender, i said, oh son does this make me a transparent.

[sheldon 89]

I had to go and see the doctor yesterday. 

He asked me what was wrong and I explained I had a rash on my testicles and he told me to drop my pants. , which I did 

He had a good look and he said I would need to stop masturbating , I asked him why and he said "because I'm trying to examine you "!!!

[rdytdy 5,339]

  Life in the Australian  Army...

Text of a  letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in  the know, Eromanga is a small    town in the far south west of  Queensland ) 

 

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are  too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than  workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the  jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because  ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz  all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and  clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to  stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz  there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo  steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until  noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been  on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in  the back paddock!! 

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil  with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The  bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's  not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull  got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is  make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!!  You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and  ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting  truck when you reload! 

Sometimes ya  gotta wrestle  with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy -  it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve  and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out  I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's  got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -  he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders  and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I  fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. 

I  can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before  word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving  daughter,

Sheila 

[rdytdy 5,339]

I have finally had it
This is the final straw
Every time I go on the computer to check my emails, my husband comes from behind and has sex with me

Honestly, it’s as if he sldbn efiuj baws/ .d; .c.x .x/ .cvsfwt iuyhvdc y ksbecb

rdtg
fhgf
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