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Irishman on holiday in London passes a shop that is advertising Suits for £2.50, Shirts for 30p, and trousers for £1. Intent on making a killing by selling them for a big profit back in Dublin he enters the shop and orders 50 of each. "You're Irish aren't you?" Asks the shopkeeper. "Yes I am "says Paddy, "Why do you ask?". The shopkeeper replies, "This is a Dry-cleaning Shop!".

Spanish Oysters A big Norwegian mountain guy stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain on holiday. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Norwegian said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Norwegian returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Young feller arrived in Wellington from North Auckland and joined the local rugby club. Before his first game the coach was giving his team talk. He said to the young bloke I will put you on the wing for the first half, and pull you off at half time. How does that sound. The young bloke says thats good but up North we get oranges at half time.

I've been watching a fair few games so thought I'd give my run down of where each team is at... Eastern Conference Indiana Pacers-They have a similar lineup to last year when they were competitive against Miami but a stronger bench could be the difference. Miami Heat-Going for 3 in a row and are going well enough at the moment, they usually improve as the year goes on and often seem to win without exerting themselves much. Even this far out it seems a battle between them and Indiana in the East. Atlanta Hawks-Have surprised me a bit this year, they seem to have good chemistry. Maybe no coincidence with no Josh Smith around? Toronto Raptors-Seem to still play in patches but on the verge of a winning record which is positive. Charlotte Bobcats-Another improver this season despite having a losing record, when Al Jefferson gets some games under his belt that could change. Chicago Bulls-If any team loses their best player it's going to be tough but they still look a distinct chance of finishing 3rd in the East. Their defence will still be tough to crack. Detroit Pistons-They run hot and cold. Josh Smith has been disappointing and needs to show he's worth his big pay cheque. Drummond and Monroe are dominant big men and need to be utilised more. Philadelphia 76ers-A surprise spot in the top 8 at this stage. I really like this team. They're young with plenty of upside and the rookie coach has got them playing hard. Still need to work on defence. Washington Wizards-Have somewhat recovered after a poor start. They're going ok but still lack consistency, capable of finishing higher if they can sort that out. Boston Celtics-Not used to being this lowly but it was clear this was going to be a rebuilding year. Their best player Rajon Rondo returns shortly and I think they've got a pass mark on expectations. Orlando Magic-Looked like giant killers early but lack a bit of X Factor. Victor Oladipo, their gun rookie has been good but I get the feeling he's capable of much more. Cleveland Cavaliers-I had high expectations but they have looked terrible to be honest. If Andrew Bynum can get more minutes it may help. New York Knicks-Obviously disappointing mainly due to their woeful defence which won't get any worse when Tyson Chandler gets back. They could be the big movers in a weak Eastern Conference. Brooklyn Nets-Probably the biggest disappointment of the league though I wasn't as keen as most. They teach you Chemistry at High School and Brooklyn need to learn this as they can't get any younger. Have been a bit unlucky with injuries but that comes with age. Milwaukee Bucks-Weren't really ever going to make any noise this year although veteran Caron Butler has helped. Nate Wolters and Kelvin Middleton look players of the future. Western Conference San Antonio Spurs-This professional outfit perform year in year out. They went within a breath of winning the title last year and if they carry on playing the way they are they can win it for sure. Paying good odds. Portland Trailblazers-The big surprise of the year in terms of positives, at start I had them 8th in the West. Gelling well as a unit and the addition of Robin Lopez at Center has helped a lot. Oklahoma City Thunder-Cruising along a little under the radar this year, featuring Kiwi rookie Steven Adams and an improving Serge Ibaka as well as perennial threats Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook they are always a chance. Los Angeles Clippers-Really starting to warm up with title winning coach Doc Rivers at the helm. They are a nicely balanced side with a good bench. Houston Rockets-Rely a lot on their offence led by James Harden and Dwight Howard. Still not convinced they're a winning hope but wouldn't rule them out either. Dallas Mavericks-Have a veteran roster and they've shown if they stay fit they can upset a few of the big guns. Weakness could be their bench. Golden State Warriors-Look a dangerous squad though have been bitten by injury lately. With their full compliment they're as good as most and have the best home crowd in the business. Denver Nuggets-Not good and not bad either, they seem destined to finish middle of the pack. Getting Gallinari back from injury will help. Memphis Grizzlies-Have been struggling offensively and have lost Marc Gasol. Not sure if they've added enough to improve on last year. Minnesota Timberwolves-Seemed to have played better than their place on the table though shows how much depth the West has. Have a deep squad when Budinger and Turiaf return. Los Angeles Lakers-Not as bad as most people say, they run hot and cold but the impending return of K Bryant will be huge despite him being past his best. Phoenix Suns-Have done very well to have a .500 record with their resources. Have plenty of draft picks in the offing so look to be rebuilding nicely. New Orleans Hornets-Hard team to get a line on. Always hard to beat at home but the opposite on the road. A few of their players not performing as well as they can. Sacramento Kings-Terrible as usual, they will play one great game before going back to their old habits. Interesting to see what Derrick Williams adds. Utah Jazz-At this stage they are the easybeats of the NBA. Had rebuilding intentions but most expected better. Having Trey Burke in the lineup is a help. What are your thoughts?

Morty also went to a fancy dress,butt naked except for a potato hanging off the end of his wanger. "Who the hell are you,they asked?". :Im Adolf Hitler, the dick tater". Obviously offended, at the next party he arrived still butt naked but with sandpaper wrapped around his wanger. "Who the hell are you,they asked again". "Dick Emery", he replied.

Well then - that would be the same 'Morty' that dressed as a pirate on Halloween and thought he could get away with being a little boy... When he knocked on a door a man came and answered with candy. The little boy said " I'm a piwate, can you tell, can you tell? The man said " Yes I can tell but where are your bucaneers? the boy replied - "they are on my buckin' head, open your buckin' eyes!"

Globe, I oppose the 'maorification' and the eventual Maori control of this country with all my being. And no it does not come from some injustice on a personal level. I use to work with and employ many good Maori folk - Kumara gardens when we had to physically 'rat' the Kumaras out of the ground to bag them (backbreaking work), Fencing mates, Shearing gangs throughout NZ & Australia (30yrs of this). During this time there was none of this ridiculous Toepoe, Farngarei, Te arno etc. We were just New Zealanders getting on with it. Other NZers see it, sense it, and moan about it but do nothing, and the maori sovereignty movement marches gaily on. 'If it is to be it has to be me'

Jeepers Neil, I thought you could read at least, even if you can't think. Lloyd asked "What other racing jurisdictions currently employ a 2kg female weight allowance in handicap racing?" And I replied "Australia does" You then say: "Utter BS Leggy its 2kg in Oz" Neil, Australia and Oz are the same place, ffs.